I’ve seen a lot of talk of self-acceptance and I’m not into it. I used to be. I used to cringe hard at the idea of "loving" myself and the idea of self-acceptance was slightly more imaginable. I thought it was pretty unrealistic to get to the point where I full-on LOVED myself, I thought self-love was fake, like it was something people said, but deep down everyone just walked around wishing they were someone else, wanting a different body, or a different life, like I did. I thought, hey if I can get to the point of self-acceptance, then I am doing pretty good. It is what it is, I am who I am, I have wide hips and dimples on my thighs and a crocked nose, and I just going to have to learn to just accept that.

Yet, when I think about what I want from relationships with others, do I have a deep longing to be “accepted”? Well no, that seems like not enough. That seems like I am just tolerable. As if I am not necessarily great or amazing or funny or beautiful or unique to that person, but somehow, they can find it in their heart to accept me. Imagine going to your partner and asking them if they love you, and they respond by saying “well, I accept you.” honestly, that actually feels kind of cruel. No, that is not what I want out of life or a relationship with another. That doesn’t seem like enough. What I really want is to be loved. I want to be cherished, to be cared for, and for someone to think I am pretty special. More than just acceptance, I want love. I need love. love is my love language. 

I started to realize, if I have these expectations for what I want from my relationship with others, why in the world would accept only “acceptance” from myself. Why not go for love, self-love? I started to realize acceptance is passive, you accept something and then it just stops there. You don’t necessarily like it, but you accept it. But if you love something, it turns into action, you nurture it, you care for it, you’re loyal to it, you take steps to keep it alive and growing and happy. Love is active and unconditional. I want that. 

In loving myself I actively take care of my body and my mind. I treat it with kindness and I seek out experiences that bring me joy and pleasure. The love is unconditional and does not weaken if I get a new wrinkle or dimple, in fact it just gets stronger and kinder and more compassionate. I don’t love myself like my I love my favorite food, it is not ‘the best’ or the ‘most delicious’ and I did not choose it as my #1 pick, instead I love myself like it was my child. I was given it. I was given this body and this mind and this story, and it is mine. I will care for it and nurture it and I will do so much more than accept it, I will love it.

If you have gotten to the point of self-acceptance, that’s great. But consider if you want more, consider if you can give yourself more. Imagine if you took care of yourself like you loved yourself, if you ate, moved and breathed like you love yourself. What would your life look like? How would it change and how would it feel? If you can imagine something better, if you can imagine more love, then maybe it is time to give it a try. 

To cultivate more self-love, try these poses:

1. Seated Meditation – Mantra

Practice sitting in a comfortable position, taking deep, mindful breaths, and if it’s helpful, try repeating a mantra such as “I love and respect myself” or “I am worthy of love” or “I love you” or anything else that resonates with you. You just may start to hear this mantra interrupt negative thoughts or repeat in your mind throughout the day.

2. Goddess Pose

Stand with your feet wide and your toes turned out, sink down low to the ground and press your knees out towards your pinky toes. Draw your belly in and squeeze your elbows together in front of your chest. This primal shape helps get us quiet our inner critic and embrace our inner Goddess or God. Have you ever caught your dog looking in the mirror with a critical eye? Animals don’t tear themselves apart over a few extra pounds or a new wrinkle. Animals savor movement for the sake of moving. Because this pose is low to the earth, it is a great way to start accessing our animal side, shifting our focus from how the body looks, to how much it can do.

3. Camel Pose

Start kneeling with knees exactly hip width distance apart. With your hands on your low back, press your hips forward and lean back broadening through the collarbone. This heart opener is challenging, but it is accessible and freeing. It requires a lot of faith to lean back into the unknown and teaches us to trust ourselves. This pose also requires great strength: strong legs give more freedom in your spine to extend backwards. This pose opens the front of your body, the opposite of the closing off, curling in, and covering up we tend to do when ashamed of our bodies.

4. Seated Bound Angle Hug and Forward Fold

Start by sitting with your feet together, letting your knees open to the

sides. Ground your sitting bones into the earth while you lengthen the

spine and torso. Wrap yourself in a hug and fold forward, stack pillows or blocks for your forehead to have a resting place. The hips are where we store our emotions, opening and relaxing our hips can help us to release our negative feelings.

5. Active Rest Hug

Lie on your back with your feet as wide as your mat and your knees falling together. Wrap yourself in a hug here and allow your hips to relax into this passive psoas release. The psoas is one of the most important muscles directly connected to the emotions. A chronically contracted psoas causes us to close in on ourselves, hunching forward, appearing closed off and lacking in confidence. The more we can release the psoas, the better we will be able to breathe into our whole body, and the taller and more confidently we can stand.

6. Reclined Bound Angle Pose

Lying on your back with soles of the feet together and knees falling out to the sides, place your right hand on the low belly and your left hand on your heart. The right hand helps us access the site of our “gut sense” and intuition. Try taking deep full breaths, sometimes we can unconsciously hold in our stomachs in an effort to appear thinner, but in doing so, we are limiting our breath, our vital life-force. To maximize your life force create a full swell of the belly as you inhale. The left hand over the chest keeps us connected to our heart, the source of true nature and unconditional love.

For a full follow along flow that cultivates more self-love, try my self-love flow listed in my Open Flows here: https://www.kelliejeffrisyoga.com/on-demand

xx